Occurred: October 2008

I have decided that Friday was a pretty insignificant night and therefore not good enough to start off the storytelling that this blog will be founded on.

I did not have to think too hard to figure out which story would be the best to start with. It was EASILY the story from the Friday before Fall Break. This night's events took place at The House and involved almost everyone that lives in the House with me and all of those who partied at our House that night.

It has been my experience that everyone has what I call their "One Drink." The idea being that everyone has one drink that makes them go back to their instincts of just wanting to break shit. A drink that makes one experience every single emotion known to man, and usually within a matter of minutes. A drink that when your friends discover you have been drinking it, respond with something to the effect of "not again!" The One Drink is different for everybody. For some, like my buddy Torch (remember only nicknames here), it's Jack Daniels.

I have found that One Drink for me... and it is Southern Comfort.

I am unable to explain why this relatively weak drink makes me behave like an asshole, but it does.

The story begins on a normal Friday night. I call up one of my beer-buyers to take me to get beer at the drive-thru. The one I called said that he would buy my beer for me because I had helped him move into his new apartment earlier in the week. This left me 24 extra dollars in my pocket. Did I save that money for school or for my credit card bill or my alltel payment? Fuck no. I went across the street from the Drive-thru to the Liquor store, and made my friend buy me 2 bottles of Southern Comfort. After a stop at Circle K for cigarettes, my buddy drops me off at the House so that I may begin my massive night of binge drinking. Armed with 30 Miller High Lifes and 2 bottles of Southern Comfort, I begin my night.

The first goal of the night was to complete a power hour. For those of you who do not know what a power hour is, it is a drinking game where there are 60 1-minute clips of different songs. Every time the song changes, you take a shot of beer. Obviously this gets you pretty buzzed and it only takes 60 minutes. Hence the name "Power Hour." However, this specific power hour was 60 song clips that were 1 minute and 20 seconds, making the power hour an hour and 15 minutes long. The rest of the night went as such.

9:45: The last song in the Power Hour ends (Crazy game of Poker by O.A.R.), and I, buzzed, declare that I am ready to drink my Southern Comfort.

9:49: I am holding a Miller High Life in one hand and one of my bottles of SoCo in the other. I am drinking from both... I am good.

10:10: One of my friends who is a lesbian comes over to the House. I decide that my mission for the night is to bang her and to try to get a threesome going with her and one of her other lesbian friends.

10:30 I'm hanging out with my lesbian friend who, in this story, we will just refer to as Lez. I have now consumed a power hours worth of beer, 3 more beers, and a little more than a quarter of my Soco. I am still happy.

10:39: Lez needs to use my personal bathroom. I take her to my room, let her in the bathroom, lock the door behind her so no one can peek in.

10:41: Lez is done using toilet and we are making out. I think "YES!" to myself. Thinking that the inevitable hookup is about to happen, I take a swig of my Soco for my victory.

10:42: We stop making out because Lez's cellphone goes off. It's Lez's partner and she is at another house and wants to meet up. I eagerly offer to escort her to the other house, in some desperate hope that my threeway may indeed still happen. However I am told she'll be ok and Lez walks out of my room. I am sad.

10:43 - Because I am sad that my Lesbian three-way was shot down, I decide to shotgun two beers and take another swig of Soco. At this point, I am feeling the tingling in my face and know that I am very close to being drunk. I also decide at this point that I am content with the fact that I at least made out with a Lesbian and that gives me groundwork to get the lay possibly later on.

10:44 - I am running around the House screaming "I AM [M.M.] THE LESBIAN SLAYER!"

11:15 - The first bottle of Soco is finished and I am fucked up. I have to sit for awhile for fear of puking.

11:36 - I walk out to the porch to smoke a cigarette. Out of the corner of my eye, I see two people making out. One of them is "Gump." "Gump" is a guy who is from England. The reason he is named Gump on here is because of the fact that he is the UK's version of Forrest Gump. Not in the cool way like running across the country... he's just retarded. I have NEVER seen this guy drunk or successfully laying game on a woman. I'm pretty sure he's a virgin. Normally I would let this go and feel happy for the guy. Not tonight.

11:38 - I proceed to break up the love fest by barging in the middle of it, seperating the two. The following conversation goes as such:

Me – Gump dude... you could do so much better
Gump – b-b-but…

Me – But nothing Gump! Here watch this.

11:39 – I have stolen Gump’s girl and am making out with her right in front of him. Gump walks away and I do not see him the rest of the night. I am told by my friends that Gump spent about an hour just walking around the house looking like someone had shot his dog.

11:41 – Me and girl have stopped making out. She is not very attractive and when she talks I immediately realize that she, like Gump, is also retarded. I stop talking to the handicapped young woman and go continue my reign of havoc.

12:20 – After getting tired of my beers, I crack open the second bottle of SoCo. I am now officially drunk

1:05 – I am dancing in my friend Styles’ room. As I walk out I hear someone crack a joke about my hometown. I become irate.

1:07 – I am ready to fight the guy who said it to me. My friends separate us. I never actually see who said it because we were on stairs. However, I believe that it is one of my friends from India. I tell him to fuck himself and go back to his own country. Furious, I slam down more SoCo before taking it to my room and putting it in the fridge and grabbing 4 beers.

1:10 – I am back on the front porch and I am drinking and smoking because I am mad. I’m really feeling the alcohol but I do not care. My buddy comes out and asks me what’s wrong.

1:11 – I am crying like a six-year-old girl while trying to explain the situation. I tell my friend that I wish to deactivate from the club and that I always get walked on by everyone. I say that I felt attacked by him and that he disrespected “me and where I’m from, man!”

1:15 – I am back to not crying. I’m still kinda mad and upset but I let it go. I look down the hill to see my friend Oklahoma coming up the hill that our House is on.

1:16 – He asks me if I have been crying

1:17 – I begin bawling like a little girl all over again re-explaining the situation. I also slam the last of my 4 beers I had brought with me. I collect myself and go back to my room.

1:22 – I am back and start trying to finish my SoCo when I begin to feel my stomach tighten up. I am now ready to puke.

1:29 – After the longest battle at trying to keep vomit down… I lose the battle and I begin puking into my toilet.

1:30 – Still puking

1:35 – Still puking, only very little is coming out.

1:37 – I decide that since there is no end in sight for my puking I should strip down and get in the shower.

1:38 – I am sitting in my shower Indian-style completely naked with water raining down on me. I am occasionally throwing up on myself and just letting it rinse away with the water.

1:44 – I’m done puking and my stomach feels fine. My head hurts still though so I decide that I am going to just sit in the shower longer.

1:45 – My friend “Sadie” comes in. I hear her yelling for me from my room. I tell her to come in the bathroom.

1:46 – Sadie opens the door to my shower and sees me sitting there (I was courteous enough to cover myself with my hand). The conversations went as follows:

Me – Hey…

Sadie – Jesus Christ… are you ok?

Me – Yes… I just needed a shower.

Sadie – Do you need anything?

Me – Not unless you’re into giving me a blowjob right now? (Always the charmer)

1:47 – Sadie walks out and says something to the effect of “fuck you [M.M.].”

1:50 – I cannot believe that it is not even 2 AM yet. I decide that I did enough damage and I want to fall asleep.

1:51 – I slip on my bathmat… slamming my ass to the ground and my head into the shower door. I’m hurt.

1:53 – I get to my bed and pop two tylenol’s for my head. I drink them down with a sip of an open beer. The taste of alcohol makes me want to vomit all over again. But I don’t.

2:15 – I am passed out in bed.

11:30 – I wake up still hungover. I am completely naked in my bed and the only thing left in my fridge is a half of a bottle of Southern Comfort. My room door is unlocked and I figure someone stole my beers. I pass out again and don’t wake up till 2.

In retrospect this night was not my worst night. However, the emotional swings I took throughout that night were/are very unlike me. I’m usually a happy/horny drunk. I feel bad about what I did to Gump and have since apologized to him. He doesn’t like me very much but what do I care? He’s a retard. I honestly have had Southern Comfort only once since that night and it wasn’t even close to the bottle and a half I drank that night. So hopefully I will add more stories later this week. Remember, feedback is important. So hopefully I'll see ya around next time.

Cheers,

M.M.